p e o p l e

people said that i should express my feelings
but people also said that they don't want to be surrounded by negative feelings.

it left me with a confused mind.

should i tell them what is going on inside my head?
should i stay quite and keep it all to myself;
they do not want to hear my negative feelings and thoughts.

i want to share my stories with other people,
because that is what people told me to do
in order to release all of these negative thoughts in my mind
or at least to relieve the pain

but at the same time, i am reluctant to share
i am afraid that they will
be bored
or annoyed
or worse,
they will not listen

once,
they told me that they are tired listening to my sadness
once,
i tried to told them, but they only talk about themselves instead
both,
broke my heart and disappoints me.

e m p a t h y

You said that you are full of empathy

But what I feel is lack of empathy

You said that you know how I feel

But what you feel is not how I feel

I still believe the good in you

But you turned your head away from the truth

I still try to understand you

But I think what appears is the truth

To you the world is full of glitters 

Shines so bright, you lose your sight

Maybe it was the sparkle that blinds the eyes,

 Maybe it was the heavy air in the room that suffocate the breath,

Maybe it was your glasses that fogs up from the steam,

or maybe it was actually your sight that can only see the glitz?

s i l e n c e

'Morning Sun' (1952), Edward Hopper

The sound of silence is the first thing that I noticed when I arrived in Groningen.

It is calming yet frightening at the same time.

I like how it makes everything sounds clearer, even the mind.

But I hate how it makes me feel uncomfortable,

knowing the fact that there is nothing but silence.

Melancholy and silence always appealing to me.

Both of it are not always comes at the same time,

but both of it are a complementary for each other.

It makes me ponders and gives some alone time with my mind.

I am both comfortable and uncomfortable with silence.

One day, silence is what I needed the most.

Another day, silence is what I despised the most.

One day, silence is what calms me down.

Another day, silence is what drags me down.

y e l l o w

I have a complicated relationship with photographs. 

Photographs were taken with the intention to be a souvenir from the past. When we look at it again, some memories will be sparkling in our head; either a happy memory or a sad memory. Some photographs remind me of happy memories, but those happy memories also leads to a sadness.

While I was choosing some photographs for this post, I came across several memories that I captured using my pocket camera. I took a look at them, one by one. 

There are photographs of my parents and I at a wedding ceremony.

There are photographs taken when I was having a meal with my dad.

There are photographs of my mom in her everyday daster.

There are photographs of my friends doing some activities.

There are photographs of my family cat called Miko, sleeping in his favorite crystal bowl.

There are also photographs of a significant other that tried to cover his face whenever I pointed my camera at him.

It supposed to evokes happiness, but this happiness also triggers sadness within my heart.

These are the happy memories that I am going to leave behind soon. 

h e a v y

Credit: 'Malas de Pedra' (Bags of Stone) Series by Luiz Philippe, 1996

My chest feels heavy.

I thought I can forget this burden that I am having right now if I keep myself busy and try to be as positive as possible about my leaving. But I am wrong. The closer the date, the heavier my chest feels. A friend once told me, "You should let go all of the things that you are going to leave. You have a future ahead.". He is right, I have a future to attend to; but I have things to leave behind too, and it is not easy.

A special somebody told me, "Sometimes you need to be more selfish about yourself. You need to think about yourself too." I cried when I read those words across my phone screen. Although the context is not directly connected with what I am feeling right now, I really appreciate it. Those are what I need at the moment, a hard slap on my face. I keep those words in mind; but still, it is not easy to left things behind.

Leaving things behind is scary.
I am scared that things will change, when I was away.
I am scared that things will disappear, when I get back.
I am scared that people will forget me, because I was away.
I am scared that people will changes, when I get back.

I am now typing these on the dinner table. My parents has already gone to their room and I am here alone with the sound of the night and a couple of cats that belong to my family. The silence calms and frightens me at the same time. It gives me a clearer mind, but this same mind gives me a cloudy thoughts.

It is full of fear.
A fear of changes.
A fear of losing people.
A fear of starting a new phase in life.
A fear of uncertainty.

Now, I feel a huge lump of words and feelings down my throat.

Somehow it wants to reach out my mouth and say, "It feels heavy and hard to lift up these bags of mine."