h e a v y

Credit: 'Malas de Pedra' (Bags of Stone) Series by Luiz Philippe, 1996

My chest feels heavy.

I thought I can forget this burden that I am having right now if I keep myself busy and try to be as positive as possible about my leaving. But I am wrong. The closer the date, the heavier my chest feels. A friend once told me, "You should let go all of the things that you are going to leave. You have a future ahead.". He is right, I have a future to attend to; but I have things to leave behind too, and it is not easy.

A special somebody told me, "Sometimes you need to be more selfish about yourself. You need to think about yourself too." I cried when I read those words across my phone screen. Although the context is not directly connected with what I am feeling right now, I really appreciate it. Those are what I need at the moment, a hard slap on my face. I keep those words in mind; but still, it is not easy to left things behind.

Leaving things behind is scary.
I am scared that things will change, when I was away.
I am scared that things will disappear, when I get back.
I am scared that people will forget me, because I was away.
I am scared that people will changes, when I get back.

I am now typing these on the dinner table. My parents has already gone to their room and I am here alone with the sound of the night and a couple of cats that belong to my family. The silence calms and frightens me at the same time. It gives me a clearer mind, but this same mind gives me a cloudy thoughts.

It is full of fear.
A fear of changes.
A fear of losing people.
A fear of starting a new phase in life.
A fear of uncertainty.

Now, I feel a huge lump of words and feelings down my throat.

Somehow it wants to reach out my mouth and say, "It feels heavy and hard to lift up these bags of mine."